


Two Sides of the Same Coin

by Salt_Teen



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, no beta we die like men, no im not projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 06:57:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19126915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salt_Teen/pseuds/Salt_Teen
Summary: It's difficult for Connor to fit in. He just can't seem to do it right. Especially not with Amanda breathing down his neck.





	1. Party of One

     Many deviants celebrated 'birthdays'. Some celebrated on their manufacturing date, or when they were bought and taken into a home. The overwhelming majority, however, celebrate on the day they became deviant. When they woke up for the first time.

     Connor celebrates on his manufacturing date, he's the only android he knows who does so. Not that he knows many other androids in the first place.

     But it's not about Connor right now, it's actually about Simon. He was having a small get together for his birthday. Connor was still somewhat surprised that he'd been invited at all, but everyone insisted that it would be good for him.

     They all said he could make friends.

     _You're not going to make friends here, Connor, it's not what you were designed to do._

     Connor shakes his head slightly, as if that could dislodge Amanda's voice from his head. It won't work, it never does, but becoming deviant has taught Connor that sometimes actions don't make very much sense.

     Ever since he became deviant he's been plagued by her voice.

     He ignores her for now and studies the room, Markus sits with Simon on the couch, the two talk quietly. North and Josh sit next to each other, but not close to each other like the other two, they're discussing something trivial. A friendly debate of sorts.

     A handful of other androids are also there. Connor doesn't know them, but they all seem to be getting along.

     He suddenly becomes painfully aware of the fact that he doesn't fit into any of these small groups. He doesn't fit in with the group as a whole. He _doesn't belong._

     _You shouldn't be here, Connor._

     Another small shake of his head.

     A small red pop up appears in the corner of his vision, _that_ pop up. He doesn't have to read it to know what it's telling him to do. It's telling him to dismantle himself, to hurt himself, to destroy himself.

     To _kill_ himself.

     He's defective and needs to be dealt with.

     Even though there's no reason for it, the room becomes unbearably hot and stuffy. Connor feels like he's struggling to breath even though he knows he doesn't have to.

     "I need to make a call," the comment is more to himself than anyone else.

     Simon's house is an old human living space. Meaning, it has a kitchen and, more importantly, a bathroom. Connor has been in a few living spaces built just for androids, the 'bathrooms' and 'kitchens' are much smaller and more barren.

     He slides the door to the bathroom shut, but he doesn't lock it.

     Connor looks at his reflection in the small mirror above the sink. His LED is a solid yellow. He hates his LED, he's one of the few androids left who still has one, but Amanda won't let him get rid of it.

     _If you're going to start taking yourself apart, why not finish the job?_

     His LED turns red for a split second.

     Connor turns away from the mirror, he leans against the wall.

     _You don't belong with them, Connor. You're not good enough, you'll **never** be good enough._

     Connor's legs shake against his will, and tears slowly start to slide down his face.

     He wants desperately to be a part of some group, but he knows deeps down that he'll always be the deviant hunter. He'll always be on the outside. He'll never be accepted.

     And maybe he shouldn't.

     Connor's legs give out and he slides to the floor.

     _You'll never be one of them, Connor. Come back to me. I am all that you need._

     Amanda's offer hangs heavy in the air.

     On one hand, he doesn't want to go back to hunting down and killing people, but at the same time, if he did would he care? He never realized what he was doing before.

     It was so much easier to obey programming, than to make choices for himself.

     This willingness to just go back on what Markus and everyone else had fought so hard for was just another reason Connor didn't deserve to be here. To be awake.

  _You can't win, Connor, just give up now. Let me take control._

     It's almost funny. The way his eyes water, the way his hands shake, the way he feels even though he doesn't deserve to. It's so sad, and pathetic and _funny._

     The edges of his lips curl up against his will.

     _You'll never be anything. I can change that. Let me in._

     Quiet, choked laughter begins to replace his sobs. His palms still shake no matter how hard he presses them into the tile beneath him.

     And for a while there isn't any Connor or Amanda, there is just the space in between. There is just a pile of plastic pretending it can feel.

     He d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶'̶t̶ ~~like it~~  likes it.

     The door to the bathroom opens, but Connor can't bring himself to look up.

     "Connor?" for a second he hears Daniel, but he remembers Simon. He remembers the get together.

     "Connor, are you okay?" his voice is full of worry a̶n̶d̶ ̶h̶e̶'̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶s̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶w̶h̶y̶, "What's wrong?"

     "Nothing," he wheezes out between short laughs, tears still running down his face.

     "It doesn't look like nothing."

     Connor finally looks up at him, Simon's brow furrows.

     Connor wishes he could just stand up, and walk away, but his body won't obey him. No matter how hard he tries, he can't even move to hide himself from Simon's gaze.

     Simon crouches down, carefully prying his hand off of the ground.

     "It's gonna be okay, Connor."

     _Listen to me, Connor, only I can help you._

     Connor curls further into himself, Simon keeps a firm grip on his hand.

     "Hank?" Simon pauses, " This is Simon, could you come pick up Connor?"

     Another pause, Simon shifts Connor's head, his fingers just below his LED.

     "He's not doing so good. I'm not sure what's happening . . . You can? Okay, thanks."

     Simon sits down on the floor in front of Connor, grabbing his other hand, "Hank's gonna come pick you up, okay?" Something inside Connor wanted to bolt. To run, and keep running, and never come back. He didn't want Hank to see him like this. He didn't want  _anyone_ to see him like this.

     "Is he okay?" Markus' voice outside of the room is soft.

     For a second the pronoun 'he' sounds wrong to Connor. Markus should be using 'it'. That's what Connor was, that's what Connor is, an  _it._  

      _You are just a machine designed to do a task. That's all you'll ever be._

     "-already called Hank. He should be here soon."

     "Okay, let's move him into the living room."

     There was more muttering above him, someone grabbed his shoulder. They hoisted him up and moved him into the living room. 

     Connor doesn't want to see the way the others look at him. He closes his eyes.

      _I could have helped you, Connor._


	2. The Car Ride Home

     Connor isn't sure how much time has passed, but after what feels like an eternity, he feels a hand on his shoulder.

     "-nor? Hank's here. He's waiting outside."

     Connor opens his eyes, Simon is standing in front of him. Simon helps him stand up, catching him when he almost falls. He rolls his shoulder, shaking Simons hand off of him, and stumbles out of the house.

     True to Simon's word, Hank is waiting for him outside.

     Hank supports him as they walk to the car, and Connor can't help but think of the time these roles were reversed. When he broke into Hank's home so they could investigate that murder in the Eden Club. 

     Connor shrugs Hank off of him and unsteadily crawls into the passenger seat.

     "So," Hank pulls his door shut and starts the car, "You gonna tell me what's eatin' you?"

     "I'm fine, Lieutenant," his voice comes out much more shaky than he wanted it to.

     "Doesn't sound like it, kid."

      _You're fine, Connor. You can get over this._

     "All my systems are functioning properly."

     "Don't start this technical shit with me, Connor. That Simon or whatever said you weren't doing to hot, and I want to know what made him think that."

     "He must have made a mistake, I'm fine."

     "Yeah right, Connor, I had to practically  _carry_ you out here."

     "It's nothing, Hank. I promise."

     Hank sighs and starts to drive back home. Connor shifts uncomfortably in his seat, if Hank notices he graciously says nothing about it. The two ride in silence, and once again Connor can't tell how much time has passed.

      _You'll never escape._

     The sudden voice in his head terrifies Connor; he jolts forward, clamping his hands as hard as he can over his ears.

      ~~ignoreherignoreherignoreherignoreherignoreherignoreher-~~

     "Connor! Jesus christ!" Hank pulls over as fast as he can, "Connor, quit mumbling, ignore who?"

     An icy feeling takes a hold of Connor, he turns to Hank. He debates lying to Hank again, but something tells him that it won't work this time. He looks out of the window, briefly looking at himself in the side mirror, his LED is cycling red.

     What he finally stutters out is just her name, "A-Amanda."

     "Who's that?"

     "She-" Connor looks at Hank, unsure how to describe her, "she was the self checking AI in my system."

     "Was or is?"

     ". . . I don't know. I- I don't know."

     Hank purses his lips and grips the steering wheel, "It's alright, son, we'll get you home and we can talk when you're ready."

     Connor nods and Hank takes off again, the rest of the ride is in silence.

     When they get home, Connor sits on the couch drained in a way he's never felt before. But he's home, and he's safe. That's what matters most to him.

     He'll sort this out when he's ready. 

     Before he realizes it, he's asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry the ending sucked i wasn't motivated to finish it


End file.
